Resin Heroes

Rosewood Lane Review

 Grade D: Ok, so lets just get this one right out of the way.. I enjoy Victor Salva’s style with horror.

Much to my surprise to hear that he had a new flick out called “Rosewood Lane”, My wife and I decided “Hey, maybe this will be a good rental for the night.”   Boy were we ever wrong..

Now, don’t get me wrong, the last two horror flicks that Salva released (Jeepers Creepers Part 1 and 2) were awesome horror flicks.  Right up there with the old classic Halloween, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and even Evil Dead.  Hell they are even so good, Ill even watch them when they are on regular TV (and that says a lot).  Jeepers Creepers 1 and 2 both had a style of their own, but it showed through and through that Salva was keeping true to form, allowing his “demon” (if you will) character to run rampant and slaughter a lot of innocent teenagers and adults alike.  The movies kept you entertained, scared, and wondering how in the heck they were going to KILL it.

So, you can imagine my anticipation of this chapter of horror from Salva.. Right?  RIGHT??   Well, turns out this flick was a disappointment from the start.  It all starts with the main character (Sonny Blake)’s father passing away due to unusual circumstances which, of course, the police write-off as an accident.  Somewhat unsettled by the whole event, and the fact that she can’t sell her dad’s house after he passes, Sonny decides to move into the house and make it her own.   Slowly as things progress, Sonny comes to realize that not all things in her dad’s neighborhood are normal.   Her neighbor’s are very reclusive, the dogs living in the area constantly bark at shadows.. and it all seems to stem from the local “paperboy”.

Now, of course this paperboy really starts causing problems in the area (Breaking in Sonny’s house, moving around her figurines, offering her a newspaper subscription….) and of course Sonny doesn’t take a liking to him.  She calls in the cops, to which they once again, prove their ignorance to poor Sonny’s pleas that she is being victimized by this 30+ year old (pretending to be 16) on a Schwinn ten speed.   Of course drama and murder ensue.. As Sonny’s good friends that come to visit her get put six feet under.

Midway to the end of this rental, we found ourselves watching the movie in fast-forward, finding that a lot of the material (and acting for that matter) lackluster, predictable, and even downright boring.  The thought of a paperboy terrorizing a neighborhood just seems laughable.  Unfortunately, we weren’t laughing..

Oh and one other note.. If you are shot in the back with a crossbow, odd’s are you won’t be able to breathe, drive a car, much less run…

Salva, lets call this one a “rebound” movie, or say somebody else wrote it and you were paid to direct it…  Just please please please…  BRING BACK THE GOOD HORROR!!!