Ally McBeal VS. The Giant Crocodile
            by Michael Summers

     As a fan of the "monster-in-the-large-body-of-water" movie genre, I know that these kind of flicks are tough to mess up. It's not that introduction of some tentacled horror or ravenous fish to the human sphere is an automatic recipe for thrills, it's more that expectations are kind of low at the outset. Everyone knows that it probably won't be as good as "Jaws," but as long as it's not as bad as Fox's "Gargantua," then you're doing all right. But "Lake Placid" proves that a big studio budget isn't always the road to comfortable mediocrity. . .

Only a handful of people gets chomped by the giant crocodile in "Lake Placid," and that's a real shame. Because if there was ever a cast of characters you would want to see meet a horrible death in the jaws of a prehistoric leftover, it's the cast of characters in "Lake Placid." When I tell you that the man responsible for unleashing "Ally McBeal" on the world is also behind "Lake Placid," you'll know what I mean. He couldn't have stuck with the standard monster movie dialogue ("My God, what is that?" "Run!" "That's impossible! They've been extinct for millions of years" etc. etc.), he has to try to juice it up with that pastiche of prissy, cutesy one-liners and insults that passes for wit in the world of David O. Kelley. Ten seconds after Bridget Fonda's character starts to speak, you'll hope and pray for the crocodile to show up and kill her. And you'll hope and pray in vain. It seems none of these irritating characters are to the crocodile's taste. Too bland, probably.

     And Bette White? Apparently, having a sweet-looking old woman swear like a sailor isn't automatically funny. Far from it, in fact. But talking about irritating characters and stupid dialogue is beside the point. "Lake Placid" is such a misfire on so many counts that you'll wonder what the creators of the movie were thinking.

Is it a good monster movie?

     No: the crocodile is pretty nifty, but gets very little screen time, and there aren't many scary or suspenseful moments.

Is it funny?

     Not particularly: the few laughs this movie does generate aren't worth the price of admission, and the best sight gag comes so late in the flick that by the time it comes around you'll probably have ceased to care – or have fallen asleep.

Does it work as a, errr, comedy/romance?

     No, and what's the point? If Ally McBeal's search for Prince Charming is your idea of gripping wish fulfillment, then you're not likely to see a movie about a giant crocodile, and if you get your kicks from big monsters eating people, cutesy dialogue just undermines a premise that's already difficult to take seriously. I'm not saying the genres could never be combined, I'm just saying that to successfully do so requires people with a bit more skill than David O. Kelley and company.

     "Lake Placid" screams STRAIGHT-TO-VIDEO. Or better yet, MADE-FOR-TV. That "Lake Placid" had its beginnings in a high-concept meeting at the Fox network seems obvious – the "X-Files" (more specifically, the "Big Blue" episode) meets "Ally McBeal." But it's almost a shame they couldn't come to an agreement on that original premise. The shows are remarkably similar. Perhaps Ally and Mulder could hook up. "Ally takes a peek at Mulder's video collection. This week, on a very special "Ally McBeal. . ."

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